We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
