saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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