I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
