You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize