U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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