dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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