I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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