Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
