Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
