if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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