Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
