Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
