i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Come on in and take your pants off
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