wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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