I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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