if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like abortions should bother me more
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
