if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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