I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
