he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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