The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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