He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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