i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
