you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
