I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
