I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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