All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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