Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
