WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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