Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
