Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
