my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize