Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
