Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
