She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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