saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
