she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
