If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
