so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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