did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
