she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
