I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
