So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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