just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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