half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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