i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
