how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
