Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
