So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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