there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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