All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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