Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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