Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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