Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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