I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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