I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
