so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
