I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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