I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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