made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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